When I was in Japan, I remember a friend telling me that I came across as very angry. And it’s true. I was. And I still am. I’m still so very angry. I’m fuming.
Just now, I wanted to figure out in which post I mentioned that my father had the “monopoly on anger”. So I searched my own blog for the word “anger”. Only to discover that I have used the word anger in every single post that I have made over the past few days. I didn’t even realize it consciously.
My constant attempt to be nice, be kind, because I am afraid that the other person will become angry at me.. makes me in fact a very angry person inside. And anger finds a way out. I just sent out a very mean e-mail.. And I regret it.
I don’t want to be angry. But apparently, I am..
I am struggling with emotion regulation. I can suddenly become sad, lonely, angry, overwhelmed out of seemingly nowhere and don’t really have good ways to calm myself down. I’m trying to find strategies. This morning, I took a cold shower for 3 minutes, hoping that it would help me get out of my funk. It didn’t completely work (because I sent out an angry e-mail anyway), but it did help a little bit.
My brain and nervous system are still stressed. When I am triggered, I tend to shut down, much like I did as a child when my father exploded. But it needs a way out. One of the ways it can seep through, is via this e-mail. No, I don’t often send out angry e-mails, it’s in fact very rarely that I do so. But I do remember an instance, 5 years or so ago, where I felt misunderstood and sent out an angry message to ‘rectify’ the situation. I just couldn’t help myself. And today the same happened.. I sent out a second e-mail apologizing for my angry tone and judgmental choice of words..
It’s very difficult to struggle with emotion dysregulation.. but on the other hand I’m accepting that this is where I am right now. Not that I’m not working on it. But I won’t punish myself over it. It will take time..
I’m going for a walk.